Hiya. New subscriber, but I worked hard to find you after seeing one of your comics. Speaking as a person who spent most of her life working with wounded and disenfranchised youth, there are few things more important to a teacher who is now (perhaps) retired, than 1) knowing that with all the hard work and good intentions and pain you experienced, you had a positive impact; 2) hearing that you’re still important even if you’re not doing the work anymore. If I were you, based on these two realities, I would approach her the way you’ve approached us: with humility and grace. I would let her know that you felt her pain as you developed empathy and that you soon understood the harm you’d caused another human and have been carrying that awareness through your life. If you _must_ bring up your shame (guilt is your conscience telling you that you were wrong and need to make amends; shame is just a lie that we are BAD for doing something wrong—it is of our own making and has nothing to do with her), you can apologise for being cruel and let her know that it helped shape you into the person you grew to be and what you’ve done with your life. Then thank her. Thank her because she is still teaching you and through you, she is still teaching others to have empathy. Hope that helps.
I believe empathy comes from love, not consequences. Or maybe both. Now that you have barn cats and have nurtured pure love for them, you are now fully realizing how distraught your teacher was over the tragic loss of her cat. Possibly a subtle nod to her by dedicating your Ginny the Barn Cat book in her honor and the greater life lesson she taught you, would be a deeper response. And then you could just send her one of the books with a personal note.
Thank you for sharing this. I think we can all think of things in our past where we have hurt someone through our words and actions, and we can all relate.
I learned from some folks wiser than i was at the time that amends are most important for the person making them and that they shouldn’t be undertaken directly if they would cause further harm. In this case, for the reasons you have noted, it’s very hard to know. But one amends you could consider is possibly a donation to an organization that helps teachers or maybe helps cats. Perhaps even one where pets and humans a brought together for help and support. A true heart and right action are what’s important for healing. Regret/grief and gratitude can sit side by side. And we never know how the sharing of our own story, from an authentic open heart, might help another. Godspeed my friend.
In reflecting on this....my mind (a very unreliable gossip and cruel natured dictator) recalled a story you shared many years ago in a video. I believe you were expressing tenderness and gratitude for a person who had touched your life, but died at a young age. If I remember correctly (which I probably don't), you related some regret at not saying thank you or telling this person how much their friendship meant.
Well, this seems full circle. Now the "I wish I had said xxxx" situation is staring you in your Facebook search page.
I'm not sure what you should do. I'm not qualified. I know I am too harsh on my (insert age) self. I try to remember that I am judging a child's decisions by a very harsh adult rubric.
Brilliant piece. The distinction between laundering shame and actually repairing harm is something most people never articulate. I've been on both ends of late apoligies and honestly the ones that felt genuine never centered the apologizer's growth story. They just acknowledged the specific damage and made space for whatever response came, even if it was silence.
Never be afraid to do what you ultimately think is the right thing to do, Morgan. If you want to apologize to her, reach out and do it. It might seem too little, too late, but the fact that you still carry this burden in you means that you have a heart of your last name.
It always feels 50 % better Morgan when you finally say it aloud or admit to people of something senseless that you did as a kid. With the apology intention. I'm still trying to find a couple of girls from my childhood. Firstly. They didn't have any friends. I was always with the popular girls and being rowdy even though its not in my nature. I was kind to those 2 girls. I'm talking.about 2 different schools, different age times. They both adored me and followed me like a puppy. I think I acieved some sort of inner power from it. Then when the popular ones were around, I would demean them as if I was above them.and speak to them harshly as if they were beneath me, they still adored me and followed me around, until I would tell them, to leave me alone. I can now imagine how I must have crushed their souls. Would I EVER forget if anyone treated me like that? NO. I finally located one girl through a mutual friend. I tried very hard to get in touch to apologise but she doesn't remember me doing anything of this sorts. But I still would like to speak to her and say sorry. For hurting her feelings and stay in touch now. Sadly I understand your situation. I did it once and was never felt guilty about it that I repeated the behaviour again 🥺😳 I am truly sorry now, but whats the point, they dont know 😔 😪 😢
After reading this, I spoke with my mum who has been a high school teacher for the past 30 years and has had her fair share of cruelty inflicted upon her by kids. I asked her whether she would be happy to hear from one of the students that hurt her and she said that she would be very happy to know that they had matured and just receiving the acknowledgement that they had hurt her feelings would help her let that memory of hurt go. She said that in her career that this had only happened a handful of times but that she really appreciated each and every time a student had done that. So, totally anecdotal...but my mum says you should do it 😅
I also agree with sending her a copy of your books, plural. As a current or former teacher, I think she can appreciate the story of your farm and, hopefully after reading them, will donate them to the school or library of her choice. Most teachers I know would be proud to know that even one of the "worst" kids in their class became a good (and successful) person. If you are still able to dedicate the barn cat book and want to mention the incident, I would put that in as an afterward so as not to "spoil" what happens in the book.
I made an account on subtrack to finish reading your story, because it resonated with me a lot. There's a situation that I felt very guilty about and decided that if the person I wanted to apologise to accepted my friend request, I would send my apology message, and if they didn't, I would hold it in me forever. I never got to send the message. And that's ok. I keep allowing my mistakes to shape me and preventing me from repeating them.
I've been on the side of having apologies forced on me too and I wish I'd had the choice to not listen to them, but at the same time I think it helped me stop feeling like such a victim and I just learned to let go and not be afraid of the person who hurt me anymore.
In the end, there's no right answer other than "don't repeat the same mistake again".
There is so much complexity in the situation and I dare anyone to say they had a childhood where they didn't make a terrible mistake. I agree with Alisson, don't reach out.
Hiya. New subscriber, but I worked hard to find you after seeing one of your comics. Speaking as a person who spent most of her life working with wounded and disenfranchised youth, there are few things more important to a teacher who is now (perhaps) retired, than 1) knowing that with all the hard work and good intentions and pain you experienced, you had a positive impact; 2) hearing that you’re still important even if you’re not doing the work anymore. If I were you, based on these two realities, I would approach her the way you’ve approached us: with humility and grace. I would let her know that you felt her pain as you developed empathy and that you soon understood the harm you’d caused another human and have been carrying that awareness through your life. If you _must_ bring up your shame (guilt is your conscience telling you that you were wrong and need to make amends; shame is just a lie that we are BAD for doing something wrong—it is of our own making and has nothing to do with her), you can apologise for being cruel and let her know that it helped shape you into the person you grew to be and what you’ve done with your life. Then thank her. Thank her because she is still teaching you and through you, she is still teaching others to have empathy. Hope that helps.
I believe empathy comes from love, not consequences. Or maybe both. Now that you have barn cats and have nurtured pure love for them, you are now fully realizing how distraught your teacher was over the tragic loss of her cat. Possibly a subtle nod to her by dedicating your Ginny the Barn Cat book in her honor and the greater life lesson she taught you, would be a deeper response. And then you could just send her one of the books with a personal note.
Thank you for sharing this. I think we can all think of things in our past where we have hurt someone through our words and actions, and we can all relate.
I learned from some folks wiser than i was at the time that amends are most important for the person making them and that they shouldn’t be undertaken directly if they would cause further harm. In this case, for the reasons you have noted, it’s very hard to know. But one amends you could consider is possibly a donation to an organization that helps teachers or maybe helps cats. Perhaps even one where pets and humans a brought together for help and support. A true heart and right action are what’s important for healing. Regret/grief and gratitude can sit side by side. And we never know how the sharing of our own story, from an authentic open heart, might help another. Godspeed my friend.
In reflecting on this....my mind (a very unreliable gossip and cruel natured dictator) recalled a story you shared many years ago in a video. I believe you were expressing tenderness and gratitude for a person who had touched your life, but died at a young age. If I remember correctly (which I probably don't), you related some regret at not saying thank you or telling this person how much their friendship meant.
Well, this seems full circle. Now the "I wish I had said xxxx" situation is staring you in your Facebook search page.
I'm not sure what you should do. I'm not qualified. I know I am too harsh on my (insert age) self. I try to remember that I am judging a child's decisions by a very harsh adult rubric.
Learning is messy. Make a mess! Keep writing.
KS
Brilliant piece. The distinction between laundering shame and actually repairing harm is something most people never articulate. I've been on both ends of late apoligies and honestly the ones that felt genuine never centered the apologizer's growth story. They just acknowledged the specific damage and made space for whatever response came, even if it was silence.
Boy, that's a tough one. Would making a donation to an animal cause in your teacher's name help at all? Maybe this comic will make its way to her.
Never be afraid to do what you ultimately think is the right thing to do, Morgan. If you want to apologize to her, reach out and do it. It might seem too little, too late, but the fact that you still carry this burden in you means that you have a heart of your last name.
It always feels 50 % better Morgan when you finally say it aloud or admit to people of something senseless that you did as a kid. With the apology intention. I'm still trying to find a couple of girls from my childhood. Firstly. They didn't have any friends. I was always with the popular girls and being rowdy even though its not in my nature. I was kind to those 2 girls. I'm talking.about 2 different schools, different age times. They both adored me and followed me like a puppy. I think I acieved some sort of inner power from it. Then when the popular ones were around, I would demean them as if I was above them.and speak to them harshly as if they were beneath me, they still adored me and followed me around, until I would tell them, to leave me alone. I can now imagine how I must have crushed their souls. Would I EVER forget if anyone treated me like that? NO. I finally located one girl through a mutual friend. I tried very hard to get in touch to apologise but she doesn't remember me doing anything of this sorts. But I still would like to speak to her and say sorry. For hurting her feelings and stay in touch now. Sadly I understand your situation. I did it once and was never felt guilty about it that I repeated the behaviour again 🥺😳 I am truly sorry now, but whats the point, they dont know 😔 😪 😢
Honest feelings. I never see anything wrong with apologizing. Just never be sorry if you don’t get the response you wanted
After reading this, I spoke with my mum who has been a high school teacher for the past 30 years and has had her fair share of cruelty inflicted upon her by kids. I asked her whether she would be happy to hear from one of the students that hurt her and she said that she would be very happy to know that they had matured and just receiving the acknowledgement that they had hurt her feelings would help her let that memory of hurt go. She said that in her career that this had only happened a handful of times but that she really appreciated each and every time a student had done that. So, totally anecdotal...but my mum says you should do it 😅
I also agree with sending her a copy of your books, plural. As a current or former teacher, I think she can appreciate the story of your farm and, hopefully after reading them, will donate them to the school or library of her choice. Most teachers I know would be proud to know that even one of the "worst" kids in their class became a good (and successful) person. If you are still able to dedicate the barn cat book and want to mention the incident, I would put that in as an afterward so as not to "spoil" what happens in the book.
I made an account on subtrack to finish reading your story, because it resonated with me a lot. There's a situation that I felt very guilty about and decided that if the person I wanted to apologise to accepted my friend request, I would send my apology message, and if they didn't, I would hold it in me forever. I never got to send the message. And that's ok. I keep allowing my mistakes to shape me and preventing me from repeating them.
I've been on the side of having apologies forced on me too and I wish I'd had the choice to not listen to them, but at the same time I think it helped me stop feeling like such a victim and I just learned to let go and not be afraid of the person who hurt me anymore.
In the end, there's no right answer other than "don't repeat the same mistake again".
Thank you for sharing!
The peace of forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
There is so much complexity in the situation and I dare anyone to say they had a childhood where they didn't make a terrible mistake. I agree with Alisson, don't reach out.